Prudence and Madness

For those of you who had been following my plurks for the past few days, you may have noticed that recently I found out that a friend did not want to live her life anymore (in more ways than one).  And imagine my relief when, after a day or so, I was able to talk to her, thankful that she did not do any “misdeed”.

Though it wasn’t a face-to-face conversation, I felt that she’s quite calm at that time.  She asked how was my friend who’s been suicidal before.  I was surprised that she knew about it (but later events would tell me why).  I answered all her questions and was glad that she didn’t seem bothered that I even thought that she’d probably need professional help.  It was one of my fears that she’d think we (her friends) think of her as a nutcase, as it would only sow mistrust and make it difficult for us to help her as much as we can.  And I’m wishing that she’d willingly accept help.  Thankfully, she’s open to idea of seeing a psychiatrist.

But she asked, “Nutcase na ba ako?”

“Of course not,” I told her.  And no, it wasn’t in any way being just indulgent to her.  “Psychiatrists aren’t limited to seeing nutcase patients.  Normal people do see their shrinks too from time to time.  You’re not automatically a nutcase just because something went wrong with your mental health.  If you want, you could try seeing a shrink.  A stranger’s unbiased words can perhaps bring you a clearer perspective.”

“Thanks.  I’ve only thought of that because…I don’t know.  Sometimes life seems so pointless.  Anything I do will just get me nowhere.  I just couldn’t find meaning to it anymore.  Life is just a vicious cycle of getting into the next level of something, getting bored with that level, then finding something to do again.  The things you do change from every level, but the emotions and the learnings are the same.  They might seem different, but it’s the same, only in a lighter or darker shade.  So, everything one will do will ultimately lead one to nowhere.”

“My friend, I believe we, people, do not really need to have some purpose in life.  We just live and enjoy the trip before the final curtain falls.”

“But what if you don’t want to live anymore?  Because eventually, you will die.  Why not die now?”

I’ve been struck by those last few words.  Most people would have the answers to the question, “why live?” but not for “why not die now?”  And no, I will not pretend that I’m one of the few who know the answer, nor that I’ve pondered on such.

Maybe one of the reasons why I find it difficult to answer that question is that I cannot see myself running out of things that I want to do.  Of course, I know I could die in 50 years or I could die tomorrow.  Nobody can really tell when life’s going to end anyway.  Not that I’d really feel bad that I wouldn’t be able to do all those things before dying.  It’s just that, with the number of things worth doing in this world, I doubt if I’ll ever get bored waiting for death to come.

If Death is an entity and if he or she will come for me one of these days, in a few years, or after several decades, I believe he/she will find me saying, “I’m going to come with you, but can I, at least, just finish off some of the stuff in my to-do list first?  Or maybe just finish this one little book?  Or this blog entry? Pwetty please?”

So, no.  I don’t think I’ll ever be bored enough to want to cut my life short.  Except perhaps when my cells become cancerous and starts eating up my own face.  Or if I’ve lost almost all of my senses.

As for her, I think it’s mostly out of boredom, rather than hate or anguish, that’s why she wanted to end her life.  It has lost its wonder for her, became monotonous and too “sane”.  Maybe we do need a little of a Joker in our mundane, bleak, sane, and normal lives.  Just so to have our healthy dose of chaos.

As for the question, “why not die now?”, I don’t really know the answer.  And I probably won’t be able to know it.  But I told her I’d think about it.  At the same time, I told her to try open herself to changes, whether big or small.  It would probably postpone her want to cut short her life for a while or even let it dissipate to oblivious entirely.  I’m hoping it would be the latter.  Even if we are responsible for our own lives, we must remember that our lives touch others, whether we’re conscious of it or not.  And that we must think of the other lives we’re going to affect with the actions we’re going to do.  Death is actually more difficult for the people who’re left behind.  That’s why the fuss with all the internment, cremation, inheritance, etcetera.  The dead will not care for those anymore.  It is those who’re left behind who’re more affected by death.

Some people may tend to see my friend as being a “nutcase” just because of those ideations she’s been having recently.  But she’s not; and maybe, we should think twice before labeling people as such.  Sometimes, in moments of questionable sanity, we can find ways to reasonable clarity.  And sometimes, the sanest persons can be the most deranged.  Or the most apathetic.

Filed under: Lifelogs by Prudence