I think for the past few months I’ve poured my heart out about my failed past relationships. But I haven’t elaborated much about what they did hurt me. I feared that it might prove to be a mistake having to discuss such sensitive issues. But these men never cared, I guess. And too guilty perhaps to face me, after all they’ve done. And so, now, I’ll write down how much hurt they have inflicted on me, though I hate to admit that it affected me so.
The Gay, Spineless Ex-Beau
I thought my relationship with him was going to be perfect. A bachelor that is highly educated (a doctor, to be more specific), from a good family, and a long-time friend…sounds like the kind of guy you wouldn’t be worried introducing to your parents and friends, isn’t? And when I did introduce him to my parents and friends, no objections were heard. They knew him already because he’s a classmate in medical school. He looks more than presentable. He’s well-mannered and polite. He’s starting his own career. And I love him. What more could I ask for?
Starting as friends, I thought we would do okay by taking the relationship to the next level. And in the beginning, it looked promising. There were even some moments of expressing wishes to settle down and start a family. We talked of the house we wanted, the lifestyle we want for our own, that we wanted to have kids. When he told me that he want to spent his lifetime with me, I was thrilled because I felt the same way, too. It’s just almost perfect.
But as more monthsaries passed, I felt that there was something missing in our relationship. Yeah, I know he’s been good to me. And the warmth was there. But not warm enough to be called passion. I thought we were just taking it slow. I discussed it with him and that’s what he told me. So I waited. If we were going to make this relationship last, I want to do it the right way. And so I loved him, stayed loyal and faithful to him.
But somehow, I still don’t feel right. I think I felt the tinge of this “wrongness” in our kiss. I talked about it with him and during one of these talks, he spilled out that he wasn’t really sexually attracted to me. He said I should have known since, before we started our relationship, he’s already admitted to having homosexual relations in the past.
But wait, what did he think we were going to do when we started our relationship? Be platonic with one another?!?!
I was starting to feel miserable. A boyfriend who doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me? Boy, that was something new for me. I didn’t have that kind of problem in any of my boyfriends before. And it was the kind of problem that I cannot solve. I started feeling the coming of the inevitable.
I waited if he’ll console me of this miserableness. But he never did anything. He went out of town with his best buddy and did not send messages or call, even if I did tell him that I was up to my neck with problems and I needed him. When he did call, he just said that I should just give him time and not bother him. That really pissed me off. And then I talked with one of our friends (also his ex-bf) about it and then he told me something I should know. My bf had not been faithful to me. He had had sexual adventures with guys, some whom he just met at the MRT or at the gay bars that he and his gay friends often frequented.
That was the last straw. There he was, horsing around, while I am keeping myself faithful to him, when there are lots of temptations around me. All these after being told that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me!
I broke up with him via text message. He did not even call. All he said was that he was sorry for what he had done and that he just can’t love me the way I wanted him to and that he just loved me as a friend.
I was so darn mad. I called him names and soon, we were fighting via SMS.
After several days, I was okay. My anger had dissipated somewhat (though not completely) and I asked him that we should, at least, meet for closure. He never plainly declined or accepted it. He just asked that I give him more time (which I think he didn’t quite deserve since I was the one he hurt and not the other way around). Still, I told him that I forgave him for what he had done and I wanted to be friends again, try to pick up where we left off when we were close friends. He said he would like to do that too. But we were never able to settle all those hurts that had caused our relationship to end.
Then recently I heard from one of our friends that he was mad at me for that plot his friends and I concocted so that we could talk. It was planned that I’ll go to Starbucks Coffee Shop where his friends were reviewing so that I could surprise him for being there, when he comes up to get his videocam from them. My mistake was that I told his other friend about this plan and this other friend forwarded all my messages to him. We were not able to talk, as was planned.
But he still take this against me? Hello?! Just consider all those pains he caused me. The “pain” I inflicted him with that plan wasn’t even a tithe of the pain he caused me. I really don’t understand why he can’t be friends with me when I, whom he had hurt so much, had decided that I wanted to be friends again. It’s just so weird that he should be the most affected when he’s the one who committed the crime.
But as his friend told me, he’s still got emotional baggages.
The Smooth-Talking Filth
Here’s another relationship which I thought would be my last. From the start, he expressed his wish for a serious relationship with me. He talked about marrying me, having kids with me, and wanting to stay in the US. He exerted all efforts to be close to my parents. I got all swept up in this whirlwind he’s created.
He went to the US this last July for a venture related to the airline he’s just started. He stayed there for 3 months and we talked on the phone and chatted at Gmail and Yahoo! whenever we’ve got time. He so repeatedly told me how much he missed me and how he’s looking forward to getting home so he could be with me.
Then, he came home last October 17. I went to his condo last October 19, before he went home to Bicol for a family reunion (he said). I never questioned it. So off he went to Bicol. But I never got a phone call or text message from him again. I thought it was just because the phone lines were down in Bicol due to the previous typhoon Milenyo. But my dad commented that he’s got a friend in Bicol whom he received text messages frequently. I’m suddenly having doubts. But I kept faith.
Then came November 5. He was supposed to come back to Makati and when I called him on his cellphone, he finally answered. But he wasn’t in Makati. He’s still in Bicol. I asked him why he wasn’t calling or texting me. Then hurriedly he told me that he’ll just call me again and put down the phone. He never called back again.
I was really pissed and sent him a barrage of angry SMS texts. He never replied to any of it until I gave him the ultimatum: if he doesn’t reply or text, I’m going to break up with him. Several minutes after sending that message, he called and said he was sorry and that he was just having some legal problems involving his siblings and that the signal for Suncellular was bad in his area. I believed in him and so, I forgave him.
Then, night of November 14 came. It was 10 0′clock at night and I decided to call him because I haven’t heard from him for a long while. A woman answered and I asked her who she is. She answered, “I’m Mike’s fiancee.” I could hear Mike’s voice in the background. I demanded to talk to him. When he answered, I asked who the woman I spoke in the phone with is. He said, “my fiancee.” And then the call was cut. But I seriously believe he cut the call.
I never received a call from him again. Not even a reply to the angry SMS texts I sent him.
Asshole.
I can’t believe he led me to think that I’m his fiancee. I can’t believe that he’ll just end the relationship that way, just telling me that the woman who answered his phone is his fiancee. No explanations whatsoever.
Alone and Used Up
It’s been hard talking about these lowlifes again. I hate them for not letting me vent my anger on them. They are cowards because they cannot face the wrath that they so fully deserve from me.
For those who ask, these men are the reasons why I’ve been feeling so distrustful of men lately. All men seem to thrive on cheating on their women, as if feeling more manly having done it.
My friend told me not to feel that way. Rather, I should just use the time I have now for healing myself, making myself whole again so I would be ready for the next relationship. But I’m suddenly feeling so tired, so used up. And with someone knocking on my door again, I just hope that, if he’s the right guy or if he’s the worthy one, he’d be able to wait for the time that I’d be whole and be ready to let him in myself.
