Prudence and Madness

I was just checking earlier how my blog looks in a Firefox browser (I’ve been using IE for the past few weeks). When I entered the URL, the blog template that appeared was that of a previous template I used. The template that I used even before the 3-column layout template. And the posts were stuck at September 26. So what’s with that? Hmmm…anyone who can help me with this?

I’m writing this just to let off steam. I’ve been in such a bad mood lately that I want to get back to my previous habit of tearing off paper to shreds when I’m really mad. But I’d be wasting trees and that’s not good, so I’m not going to.

These are common frustrations in life by most people, I know. To some, may be a bit trivial. But these are my crosses, my burdens. I’ve struggled through most years of my life with these:

1) Losing Weight

Skinny is still beautiful, no matter how much people will try to be politically correct about it by saying having a healthy body is what is beautiful and being skinny and having a luscious figure is just a bonus. Bullshit. When people see a beautiful woman, do they regard her as beautiful because she’s got a healthy lifestyle? No. They regard her as beautiful because she looks thin, without a hint of flab anywhere. What about inner beauty? It’s almost a myth. Ask any obese girl who had to endure years of tormenting taunts and jeers of “Taba”, “Dabiana”, and “Ms. Piggy” from self-righteous, hypocritical pot-bellied, pole-thin, arrogant jerks, that, at times, a walk outside the house is such a scary thought. Did any of those jerks ever considered her as having “inner beauty”? No. No one can see beyond the thick flesh anymore, at this day and age when anorexic-looking models and celebrities are hailed idols that, even at the very young and innocent age of 5, some little girls are already so concerned of looking “fat”.

I have tried almost everything - diet pills, crash diets, exercise, etcetera. All but bariatric surgery. I’m not able to because of financial constraints and I cannot be a candidate yet because one has to be morbidly obese to be considered for the procedure. Maybe in ten years time I’d be able to, either because I already have the money, the criteria is lowered to moderately obese, or I have already become morbidly obese.

2) Singing

I can’t carry a tune, let alone identify a note by ear that I’m beginning to suspect I’m really tone deaf. Ironically, I can read musical notes and can play musical pieces on the piano. But I just can’t sing. And coming from a family whose one side consists of people who can respectably sing whether videoke level or performance level, it can really be quite frustrating.

3) Creative Writing - Fiction and Nonfiction

I’ve been known to be a good essayist while I was still in my teens. I even entered competitions and won. But the magic isn’t there anymore. Or so I imagine. I find it a struggle to write already, which is very much different from that time in high school when I could fill up 50-page notebooks with poetry and scraps of short stories in weeks. So, where are those notebooks? Gone. Forgotten. I dunno.

What could have happened? Did I lose my Muse? Was I a different person back then? What became of the young writer?

I think the answers to these will be the topic for another blog entry.

4) Convincing My Parents To Stop Treating Me Like A Teenager

I’m tired of my movements being controlled and monitored. I’m tired of my Dad throwing fits whenever I get back home late at night. As if I do that every night of every week of the month. Some sparse night of gimmicks and he can’t let me have that? I’m not even spending his money on those gimmicks. Those were MY hard-earned cash. And then, whenever I’m on a gimmick, my mom would text or call every half-hour to check where I am, who I’m with, if I’m on my way home already, or to tell me I should go home already. How can you enjoy yourself if there’s a call or text from parents that need to be answered immediately everytime? It really ruins the gimmick. If I don’t reply or call back, all the more she would text and call. It can be quite embarrassing. And quite dangerous, too, taking out my cellphone to answer her text/call while I’m in transit. But she can’t understand that because she’s not taking public transportation in the metro. She’s just home.

I don’t hear any of my friends being treated by their parents like this anymore. Is it because I’m still living in their house and partially still dependent on them? If that is so, then how I wish I’m already earning lots of money so I could buy off my freedom from them!

But don’t get me wrong, though. I love my parents, both of them. I just hate being controlled by them.

I still can think of some more but these are the ones that really bug me all the time. I hope, my dear readers, that you could share me yours. It is such a comfort knowing that I’m not the only one bearing such burdens.

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.

But you can.

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We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support at http://www.lightamillioncandles.com.

We’re aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.

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They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.

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Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.