Prudence and Madness

Earlier he texted me that, if I would give him time, he wanted to talk things with me. He asked if we could have our friendship back.

And I replied:

“Only through honesty can a broken friendship be healed.”

I hope he understands that.

If he values the 5-month relationship we had…if he values the two years of friendship we shared…if he values the promise of honesty he had given…he would have faced me by now, to defend himself against my accusations and give me the assurance as necessary, despite my anger.

But, no. Until now, he hides like a rat and only gives me cryptic, apathetic messages. As if he gives not a care in the world if I understand him or not.

Gays are men, too. But in his case, he isn’t even man enough to be called gay.

I have flooded his inbox with text messages expressing anger at his unfaithfulness. I told him I regretted the time and effort I spend defending him against the gay doctor trying to destroy his reputation. I called him a user, liar, and an invertebrate. I called him a coward for just leaving and not facing the accusations I have thrown at him. I called him a Monster for being heartless enough to do an evil thing to a friend…me.

But still no replies from him. Coward.

In the midst of my anger, I stood lamenting the loss of a good friend. Two good years of friendship…we shared moments of sorrow and joy. I remember that night when we were stuck at the Fort with no ride home and no public vehicle in sight. We were walking together in the dark, hoping to reach the nearest gate out of the place before the night rain falls. I remember the time when he listened to me on the phone, crying my heart out because of a selfish ex-beau and even stupidly offered to buy the set of books I’ve given my ex-beau if he returns them because of the break-up so that I won’t be remembering my ex when I see those books. Those were the times I thought his heart was true.

But memories of stories about his exes flashed back. He had told me numerous times how he cheated on his ex, of how he cancelled a date, saying he was sick, then going on another day with a fling. He also told me how he had numerous fucking buddies while his ex was in the US, of how he was in two relationships at the same time. I remembered the way he recanted those tales to me, as if they were just empty stories. As if those exes meant nothing to him. It should have warned me, then, that our relationship was doomed at the very beginning.

And it has ended.

At first, I still felt the repercussions of the sudden halt. But in a short while, everything had set in. I only lament now the loss of a good friend, one that I could keep forever. But how can I treat him as a friend again if I cannot trust him anymore?

A friend told me to stop writing these posts about my ex, because, by showing my anger and bitterness, I may just be well inflating his already over-inflated ego. But how can I make him realize his mistakes?

No, you cannot make him do that, my friend said. A stubborn child will all the more not listen, even if you scold or tell him what he did wrong. A child learns not to play with fire only when he gets burned.

You are right, my friend. And I hope he gets burned badly.

But, now, I’ll just spend the next available moments lamenting over the loss of a good friend, a person not JP but just a mere shadow I thought was the JP I knew. Or a mirage. Whatever. The good things I thought JP did still deserved a bit of respect.