Prudence and Madness

Today, Narcissus and I talked over the phone as if the events of the past few days did not bother us. He informed me of his new schedule of duties and listened while I shared with him my frustrations with my dad. We laughed as if I wasn’t mad at him for the past few days and as if he did not break my heart.]

Earlier today, still, I attended the first of a series of midnight masses. If I completed it, it would be the first time for me to do so since I was in medical school. And it was said that if this series of masses is completed, one would be entitled to make wishes and it would all come true. I prayed for three things: love, career, and health. I asked for guidance, in the light of the past events. I asked for a sign on what to do next. Thinking of what sign/s to ask for was difficult because, really, I could not think of any. In the end I settled for a sign or signs that have to do something with roses…because Love is indeed like a rose. It is a thing of beauty but to reach out and to try to possess such can bring about pain.

As the night set in, I found myself in a pensive mood. I thought of all the events of the past few days. I thought of how much I have suffered patiently in the name of love. I thought of how much I love Narcissus, whether I’d be willing to further nurture our friendship or be selfish for once and leave. In my mind I saw him with Lee and Dan. I envy those two. At least, they were given the time and opportunity to love my Narcissus. I got none. But this became more frustrating when I remembered he told me that there was a time that he loved me. And I realized that time he said he loved me was the time that I love him too but I grew tired of waiting and so, I had a relationship with another guy.

I texted him that he was really weird. He asked why. I told him, “because, even though many hurtful things happened during the past few days with you and your two other loves, you still seemed like the old person you used to be. It is as if nothing happened.” It took a while before I received this reply from him: Goodnight. Have to rest already. Love is weird.

Yeah, indeed. Then I texted him back with these words: Yeah, love is weird. Like a few days ago I just found out that the guy I love the most is in love with another guy…and here I am texting him still. Love is weird. Goodnight.

Was this the sign that Narcissus and I weren’t really meant for each other? Do I still have to wait for the sign of the roses?