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Like you, I’m from the Philippines too and been raised in a Catholic family. A really tightly knitted Catholic family that they wouldn’t even allow any questioning of the Faith. What the priest told you about just having faith would be the exact same thing that my parents and relatives would say if I question the truth of the Catholic Faith: Just have faith in God, because God is unfathomable and there are things that only he could understand. So Have Faith!!!
I wouldn’t say that I’m religiously broken. Though I have to admit I’ve gone through those phases in life when one time I’m a firm believer of Catholicism then I became an atheist then now…I don’t even know what to call myself haha. But, ok, this is getting confusing so I may have to begin at the very start.
I was schooled by the nuns and so, before, I knew my prayers and the bible like the back of my hand. That was until I finished my high school. I attended college in DLSU and when I started with my RELSONE subject (religious studies I), I was exposed to exegesis of certain parts of the bible. I think I did exegesis of one of the gospels at that time…maybe Matthew or Luke. I can’t really remember. But that’s when the awareness begun. In the course of preparing for my paper, I begun accumulating questions and discovering some surprises…like most of the teachings in the Bible weren’t taught as it should be during my formative years. I remembered clearly then that most of the teachings that I knew by heart were taken literally and not taught in the context of the time the gospels were written. Everything was followed to the letter…and that is not right.
I guess that paper for religious studies made a crack in the fortress where I kept my faith. As time passed, more questions crept up in my mind, with seemingly no answers that can be found at all. Few of my college friends also shared this new passion and soon, we found ourselves reading about Goddess worship, wicca, and witchcraft. I spent my free time looking up books on these subjects and trying to absorb all I can about it. I tried reading different philosophers like Plato, Nietzche, St. Augustine, and many more. My thirst for knowledge was insatiable. But during these times, it wasn’t like exploring new worlds. It wasn’t like leaving Earth and exploring the outer space. It’s more like leaving the galaxies and inside my spaceship, looking through a portal, I saw the blue oceans and the greenish brown color of the land masses. It was like seeing home.
My friends were so glad to have found this new “religious freedom”. We often talk about it. And still up to now, we are amazed at how our ideas of why there should be gods and goddesses and the seeming “wrongness” of the bible are just so exactly the same. That was even before we got introduced to “alternative” religions. Just imagine our amazement when we found, through the internet, other people sharing the same thoughts! And so I continued reading…imbibing all that could be known.
But then I left this university, after finishing my bachelor’s degree, to pursue a medical degree in another catholic university. Now here I got culturally shocked. Because most of the people here haven’t even thought of questioning the faith that they have been accustomed to. It was like being back in my high school where the bible is the literal truth. Nobody’s going to entertain the idea of a goddess worship there! People taught I was either weird or an atheist. At first I had trouble adjusting, but then I found out if I just shut up and not talk about those things, I’d be in good shape. Then I read Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. By reading it, it has reawakened my slumbering passion for searching and searching for more answers. I wouldn’t say he was correct in all that he said in his novel. But what is important is that he ignited debates…debates about our religious beliefs today. That is important, so as religion, whatever it may be, wouldn’t be stagnant.
Then now that I’ve finished my degree already, I found myself yearning for my college friends. I do miss our religious talks and debates. But sometime, somehow, somewhere, I’d be able to find new friends who’d share this same passion. Now I know I’m not an atheist; I do believe in God. Perhaps it’s not important to assign God a gender anymore…because God is both male and female, masculine and feminine. And maybe there is really a historical Jesus. Maybe he is God Incarnate. Maybe not. Perhaps we could not really prove it. That’s why there is faith- a belief in something without logical proof of its existence.
But, then, again, I don’t think by having faith we should always just blindly follow it. We are not pawns. That’s why we have our brains. We use our intelligence to live and find the purpose of our existence.
And so, there goes the endless stream of questions. I may be caught up in it and get drowned. But, at least, I know I tried to live.
So to clmklu, don’t try to stand your ground when this endless stream of questions catches up with you. Just let go and see where it will lead you.
Blessed be.
