Not the monotonous ho-hum day that I usually have.
I started the day as late as usual. I just love the thought that the sun, though it may be at its zenith, has nowhere else to go but nadir. After my morning rituals, I munched on my favorite wheat bread and spooned to myself a dollop of cottage cheese?breakfast of the struggling dieter (at 12 noon?!?!).
Minutes later, my dad came home with the news that he had received ?The Money? from my uncle in Texas already. ?The Money? that pertains to many things for us recently: ?The Money? for paying the electric and cable TV bills; ?The Money? for our grocery; ?The Money? for augmenting the dwindling family monetary resources. In short, ?The Money? to pay our daily living expenses.
But still I wonder which of these he was pertaining to.
The USMLE money, he said.
Oh, so it?s here, I thought. I guess I better start really cranking.
For the past few weeks, I?ve managed to make myself move my butt and do some reviewing for the first part of USMLE. But somehow the thought of being unsure whether it would really happen or not makes me unfocused. And so, I?d just get my butt back to the computer chair and do some blogging (like what I?m doing now).
But not today.
Earlier, instead of blogging, I finished the rest of the online application, which took quite a while since there were so many items to be accomplished. Then, tomorrow, I should be going back to my school to have the documents signed by the proper officials. Hell, it feels wonderful to finally have something productive get done.
However, I felt wound up when my dad started reciting his litany again: I paid your medical school with loaned money from friends and relatives?your USMLE is paid with loaned money too?you have to get good scores?I?m not going to pay for all of those anymore?you will be the one responsible repaying your uncle?s kindness?
Please just get off my back, Daddy. As if I needed more reminding. I DON?T WANT HEARING THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST CAN?T PUT MY ENTIRE MIND ON STUDYING IF I HEAR THOSE BUZZING ALL OVER MY HEAD ALL THE TIME!
And the ringing in my ears started again. It?s one of those times when even the hushed voice of my mother gives excruciating pain. Add to that the racket of screaming girls on MTV clamoring for their favorite pop star. Suddenly I felt humidity and hotness creeping up to my neck. It?s not a welcome feeling. It almost felt like my heart was burning.
I snapped at my Dad. And he snapped back by banging the door closed to my face.
Yeah, I know it was bad to snap at him like that. But I can?t help it. There is too much pressure in my head already and he wasn?t helping at all. And hearing that litany for the umpteenth time, I just boiled over.
Earlier I was feeling oh so superior. No, I won?t say I was sorry for what I have done because I wasn?t. And not just because he is Daddy would he always be right. It?s because of him and his bad decisions that got us to this financial conundrum. This time I was right. I was so right.
But, honestly, right now, I?m feeling really, really bad.
I may be right (or really I am wrong)?but still he is Daddy, the patriarch. He may have had bad choices made in the past. But, hell, who doesn?t make wrong decisions? He is just human being after all. And I think I?d rather have Daddy?s love and happiness than the chance of being right for once.
We haven?t talked?yet. Well, I asked him once if he is still mad at me. He said he wasn?t. But his face tells me otherwise.
Tomorrow I?ll try to win him back. I know he won?t really be able to stay mad at me for very long. But, still, something has to be done?
