There is one thing that I learned today that I probably knew before already but I just chose to forget: Never believe a word that a drunk guy says, especially when he says he was telling the truth.
Suddenly there were flashbacks of memories in a bar, filled with smoke and the pleasant smell of beer and wine, with my love just right across the table from me, the fast thumping of the heart inside my chest as I thought I heard the best thing in my life back then…of being in emotional high for the span of one hour…of a phone conversation that crushed all my hopes and perhaps left me almost dry of tears.
And then there was another bar, more dimly lit except for the stage upfront. Still there was the smell of beer, but of the different kind. The warmth of his shoulders. The twinkling of glass. A spark of hope.
But I should not have hoped anymore.
Life could be unfair. Love could be such a cheat and insensitive being.
And why did I say I knew all of these before and I just chose to forget it? Because I have written all about this when I was still in my teens. Everything I know now I knew already back then: I will be unloved by the one I love.
Now I fear Love. For I know, when I embrace Love, it will not love me anymore.
It’s so hard just trying to get by, when the only thing you hold on to and the only thing that makes you hope there could be better days, is dissolved by such a bitter truth. And to add insult to such loss, truth never cared. It is cold and unfeeling.
Funny he said he’d always be there to make me laugh. Yet now, as before, I cry because of him.
I shall mourn again for the death of another love that could have been. And he won’t even know.
(but as if he cares)
Life goes on.
