Prudence and Madness

Today again I am a failure.

I just bought a new Globe sim card because my Smart postpaid is about to expire in October. And since most of my friends were Globe subscribers, switching to Globe would be a smart thing to do. But even before I bought that sim card, I thought to myself that I would not immediately inform HIM of my new number; that I would not be so excited to let him know that we would be sharing the same cellular network. I promised myself that I would treat him like any other close friends that I have: post my number on the bulletin board and wait for them to update their phonebooks on their own or wait for them to message me on my old sim and then inform them about my new globe number.

But I was weak.

First person that I spent my new Globe credits on was HIM. And I don’t think he was as nearly excited or pleased as I am about having switched.

Then suddenly I realized probably the reason why I am so battered by so many failures and disappointments in life is that I make myself expect too much. Though I would always claim that I am the perpetual pessimistic, I gradually realized that, in fact, I am, deep down inside, an optimist. But, unfortunately, I am not destined for such good things in life. And that’s why I am hurt always. Though I think of myself as immune to such kind of pain already, each disappointment…each failure…seems to strike me a death blow. I must have a thousand lives at my disposal…but all of it I would willingly give up for a chance of happiness.

But right now, I doubt that chance would be there for me.

So I guess, the right thing to do now would be to renew my pledge…my pledge to forget my love for HIM…this friend…this guy whose flaws make him so much perfect. He is another reminder of a lesson I should have learned by now: Never fall in love with a friend because the pain of such a love slighted would be a mortal blow.

I want to cry so much. I hope someone comes soon.

But nobody came.

Nobody dared.

Nobody cared.