The sun never came out today. It has been a day of downpour and sordid skies. Rainy season, I think, has finally begun. And it may last until about November or December, when everybody would be glad to celebrate the holidays cool and dry. But for me, rainy days will always be here. I just love it when it rains. It seem to console me and match the mood which I usually find myself in. Seems that only the skies, brewing storms, can everunderstand how I feel.
As usual, nothing much today. I’m still doing what I’ve been doing for the past few months: reading, reviewing, and sleeping. I need to finish my second pass reading of physiology by tomorrow so I could get to test myself with the sample questions. Eight days more and judgement days will begin (medical board exams will take 4 days). I want this to be done already so Icould turn my attention to more important things, like mourning.
I’m still depressed about this guy that I liked. Yes, we are friends and all that. We are even texting one another right now. However, I still haven’t fully accepted the fact that this is all we’ll ever be. Just friends. He’s simply not that romantically interested (though most of the time it would seem otherwise and people around us would think that we are romantically involved. Sad to say, guys, we aren’t…) And I still feel jealous whenever he talks about any female friends going to his house (God knows what they might be doing there in his room. He even implied once that they were doing something else there. I could only bit my lip and keepsilent but tears were already flowing…).
I remember that time the I proposed to him. Yup, I did that. Stupid me. I proposed to him that we put the relationship to the next level since we are doing so good as friends and that I care for him. He told me that we are already doing good where we are. I didn’t push it anymore. Then I
remembered that there was one time he told me that he wished he was my boyfriend. Maybe he was just drunk then. But we were just finishing up our first round of beer then. I don’t know. I was confused. With the recent events (which I could not elaborate more on because I have to protect some people’s interest…), I only slowly realized that he may not want to be involved in a relationship as of the moment. I supposed that should be of some consolation to me, but I don’t feel that it is. Day in and day out I wanted to show him more affection but I just cannot because I am limited to being a friend. And this is where I should just be while he may be galloping around and breaking girls’ hearts and just being the usual charming bachelor he is. People hear me talking like this would have said that I should just get over him and get a life of my own, since that is what he is doing. Easier said than done. I just can’t. Not right away. There are days that I felt that I have fully grasped that fact he couldn’t be mine (as evidenced by some of my previous entries). But then there were days that I would suddenly remember that I still do have some feelings left and that it would not be easily set aside. And it is a cycle that I don’t know if and how it would end. I have debated with myself if I’ll tell him all these things. Part of me says that I should since he has right to know it because we are friends and that maybe by telling him so he would have a sudden realization that it is me that he wanted all along. Another part of me says that it would be a waste of my time and it would just make me look like an idiot. I already know that he wouldn’t completely understand me because it never happened to him (most people who did not experience these kind of things would mostly regard my feelings as superficial. I hate those people…).
And the debate continues. Maybe after the board exams I’d write or email him a letter, though I’m not yet sure how and what I should tell him. For the mean time, it would just be me, my journal, my tears, the downpour of rain and the sordid skies. Hope, my Muse, will be the little firelight in the darkness. I just hope her wings won’t be dampened by the endless fallof rain…
